A Repairman Requested

A Repairman Requested

One of the moments that a young adult may never forget is the moment of the “talk”.

“Make sure Angelica, that he does not touch you in your private places, ok? Not even your arms” my mother said to me, gently patting my arms, barely looking into my eyes- wishing this moment has never arrived.

“Okay mom, of course not” 10 year old Angelica replied, barely understanding what her mother meant exactly but she was too ecstatic about her first boyfriend anyway.

There is something in me that will never forget that evening. I was a sexual kid since the age of 10, nothing really caused it, this is who I was. I always wanted to have a boyfriend. Those days back then when I used to lose my breathe over those four times, I was asked to be Dan’s, Rick’s, Jason’s and Austin’s girlfriend. I can still hear the Messenger’s default ringtone in my head, the butterflies I had in my belly- made me so so sick out of excitement.

I lost my virginity at the age of 17, my mom knew and since then I am the “obscene” in the family. If I ask myself whether I loved that guy or not, I can’t tell. Maybe I did when I was with him but now, after counting all the men I slept with by the age of 23 it is hard to determine who I loved and who I never did. Being so open shuts you down, being so careless makes you worried, giving yourself effortlessly causes trust issues.

Can one fix this? I couldn’t.